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A Dad's Point of View: Being a Teenager Can Be Wonder-Full It?s so easy to complain about our teens. I know I?m guilty of too often dishing out criticisms, admonishments, and lectures. I worry that my boys might be doing drugs, drinking, or some other peer-pressure stupidity. But, they also deserve my support when they do well and my understanding when they slip up.
My 16-year-old, Will, recently bounded into my office, eager to talk. Wisely, I pulled away from the hypnotic lure of my computer, and faced him squarely, ready for whatever followed. Normally, when Will comes to talk to me, I am concerned that he either wants something or is going to confess something that I wish I didn?t have to hear. This time, I listened. And I listened and I listened. I smiled, I nodded, I grunted. But, mostly I listened. He had made a remarkable discovery! What was this remarkable revelation? ?Life is complicated and full of wonder and amazing things. Where did life come from? Why do we sleep? How does our brain work? Why are there different languages and how did they evolve?? He literally rambled off these and other subjects, as if he?d just discovered the wheel!
Will didn?t want me to offer any feedback: he just wanted to share with me his marvelous realizations. I just sat there and patiently let him passionately express these extraordinary questions. After maybe 15 minutes, he didn?t need me anymore and jumped up and left to call his girlfriend and share with her what he?d just voiced.
Later, as we were all getting ready for bed, he came into our bedroom, where my wife was lying down reading, and I had just come in to get ready for bed. He leaped on our chaise lounge, fell off to the side, and scrambled up laughing at his clumsiness. He then proclaimed, ?I love this family,? and proceeded to elaborate for a couple more minutes.
My wife and I actually wondered if Will had taken some drugs, as he seemed so high. But, he hadn?t, and was apparently just being a teenager--a teen enjoying the ?wonder-full-ness? of life.
That is my point. The older we get, the more we forget the wonder of youth, the wonder of being a teenager--discovering new worlds to explore and the new ideas that we feel are just ours. (Okay, let?s hear the Star Trek theme now).
Being a teenager means discovering the world. I think adults too often squash that sense of wonder with the desire to have our kids conform. That was my discovery during the short 18 months that I home-schooled Will, since the lack of conforming public school curriculum and class management allowed Will to learn so much more than he otherwise would have under the structure of public school. It?s why I believe home-schooling is really much better for some kids and, at the time, was the very best thing I could have done for Will.
The job of parents is to introduce our children to the world, to give them exposure to as much as we can, and to allow them to choose their paths. I know that early in my parenting, I had my ideas of what I wanted for my sons that were based on my own particular interests and desires. Fortunately, I got over that selfish instinct and ended up supporting my boys? own interests and dreams. I know too many parents that are single-minded in pushing their kids in the directions these parents think is best while not taking into consideration their kids interests, skills, and desires.
This is dramatically evident in the sports arena, where kids are sometimes literally forced to participate in a sport in which they have no interest. The reason is simply the parents? ego and vicarious desire to live through their kids. It is so wrong. We also see this in the over-the-top push that parents often inflict on their kids to excel at school so that they can get into this or that college that the parents deem best for their child.
I wonder if it ever occurred to those parents that their son or daughter might actually be better off with a year off between high school and college? Or, maybe not even going to college! Not every kid should go to college. Couldn?t college wait a year or two while these high school grads explore life on their own? Maybe they can see a bit more of the world rather than just continue in what can be the cocoon of education and parental (financial) support?
I may have wanted my sons to be great skiers, or get into an Ivy League college, but now I want them to fulfill their own passions and find the same joy in what they do that I?ve been blessed to find in my writing and now, my radio show as well. I urge you to do the same!
Please listen to ?The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad?s Point-of-View? Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce?s column, ?A Dad?s Point-of-View,? is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his ?A Dad?s Point-of-View? page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
If you'd like to contribute to the TMN blog, please email blogpost@themommiesnetwork.org
Couponing is the way to go! At least for me and my family, couponing is a lifestyle. I can't purchase an item without using a coupon anymore. I always buy things on sale and it's a much better bargain when you can pair the sale with a coupon or rebate! I can't even remember the last time I purchased anything regular price.
The best part about couponing is that it saves my family a lot of money and the money that I save can be used towards other things that I might not be able to use a coupon for (like paying bills!). I can't even think of anything that there isn't a coupon for. Be it food, household items, clothing, office supplies or whatever it may be, if you look hard enough, you can find a good discount on just about anything!
I have a lot of great strategies on how to save money but this website has all the tips and tricks to help you. But this website is currently running a special series that will give you ALL the help you need and hopefully you too can start saving money!
Take your time learning all of this. It's soooooo worth it!!!
Make It Monday - Denim Patches As our kids are getting older and playing rougher, it is getting more and more challenging to keep their clothes in good shape. After going through so many pairs of jeans (most of them less than a month old!), I got tired of having to buy more and more. So I sought after a way to prevent my kids' jeans from disarray (ie, holes in the knees) by purchasing denim patches from Walmart. Each patch comes in a pair and is less than $2. They have been a savior for all my kids' jeans! No more getting rid of jeans before their time!
All you have to do is either buy them pre-cut or get a big sheet of the denim (located in the fabric section at Walmart). Cut the big sheet to size, big enough to cover double the knee area. Follow the instructions that comes with the patch and tada! Basically, all you have to do is make sure the jeans are washed, turn the jeans inside out, place the patch where the knees would be and place the iron on the patch for 30 seconds. Let the jeans cool then test the strength of the patch and make sure it stays on the jeans by tugging on it a little. No more wasted pants!
Debit cards have different protections and uses. Sometimes they're not the best choice.
Sometimes reaching for your wallet is like a multiple choice test: How do you really want to pay?
While credit cards and debit cards may look almost identical, not all plastic is the same.
"It's important that consumers understand the difference between a debit card and a credit card," says John Breyault, director of the Fraud Center for the National Consumers League, a Washington, D.C.-based advocacy group. "There's a difference in how the transactions are processed and the protections offered to consumers when they use them."
While debit cards and credit cards each have advantages, each is also better suited to certain situations. And since a debit card is a direct line to your bank account, there are places where it can be wise to avoid handing it over -- if for no other reason than complete peace of mind.
Here are 10 places and situations where it can pay to leave that debit card in your wallet:
1. Online
"You don't use a debit card online," says Susan Tiffany, director of consumer periodicals for the Credit Union National Association. Since the debit card links directly to a checking account, "you have potential vulnerability there," she says.
Her reasoning: If you have problems with a purchase or the card number gets hijacked, a debit card is "vulnerable because it happens to be linked to an account," says Linda Foley, founder of the Identity Theft Resource Center. She also includes phone orders in this category.
The Federal Reserve's Regulation E (commonly dubbed Reg E), covers debit card transfers. It sets a consumer's liability for fraudulent purchases at $50, provided they notify the bank within two days of discovering that their card or card number has been stolen.
Most banks have additional voluntary policies that set their own customers' liability with debit cards at $0, says Nessa Feddis, vice president and senior counsel for the American Bankers Association.
But the protections don't relieve consumers of hassle: The prospect of trying to get money put back into their bank account, and the problems that a lower-than-expected balance can cause in terms of fees and refused checks or payments, make some online shoppers reach first for credit cards.
2. Big-Ticket Items
With a big ticket item, a credit card is safer, says Chi Chi Wu, staff attorney with the National Consumer Law Center. A credit card offers dispute rights if something goes wrong with the merchandise or the purchase, she says.
"With a debit card, you have fewer protections," she says.
In addition, some cards will also offer extended warrantees. And in some situations, such as buying electronics or renting a car, some credit cards also offer additional property insurance to cover the item.
Two caveats, says Wu. Don't carry a balance. Otherwise, you also risk paying some high-ticket interest. And "avoid store cards with deferred interest," Wu advises.
3. Deposit Required
When Peter Garuccio recently rented some home improvement equipment at a big-box store, it required a sizable deposit. "This is where you want to use a credit card instead of a debit," says Garuccio, spokesman for the national trade group American Bankers Association.
That way, the store has its security deposit, and you still have access to all of the money in your bank account. With any luck, you'll never actually have to part with a dollar.
4. Restaurants
"To me, it's dangerous," says Gary Foreman, editor of the frugality minded Web site The Dollar Stretcher. "You have so many people around."
Foreman bases his conclusions on what he hears from readers. "Anecdotally, the cases that I'm hearing of credit or debit information being stolen, as often as not, it's in a restaurant," he says.
The danger: Restaurants are one of the few places where you have to let cards leave your sight when you use them. But others think that avoiding such situations is not workable.
The "conventional advice of 'don't let the card out of your sight' -- that's just not practical," says Tiffany.
The other problem with using a debit card at restaurants: Some establishments will approve the card for more than your purchase amount because, presumably, you intend to leave a tip. So the amount of money frozen for the transaction could be quite a bit more than the amount of your tab. And it could be a few days before you get the cash back in your account.
5. You're a New Customer
Online or in the real world, if you're a first-time customer in a store, skip the debit card the first couple of times you buy, says Breyault.
That way, you get a feel for how the business is run, how you're treated and the quality of the merchandise before you hand over a card that links to your checking account.
6. Buy Now, Take Delivery Later
Buying now but taking delivery days or weeks from now? A credit card offers dispute rights that a debit card typically does not.
"It may be an outfit you're familiar with and trust, but something might go wrong," says Breyault, "and you need protection."
But be aware that some cards will limit the protection to a specific time period, says Feddis. So settle any problems as soon as possible.
7. Recurring Payments
We've all heard the urban legend about the gym that won't stop billing an ex-member's credit card. Now imagine the charges aren't going onto your card, but instead coming right out of your bank account.
Another reason not to use the debit card for recurring charges: your own memory and math skills. Forget to deduct that automatic bill payment from your checkbook one month, and you could either face fees or embarrassment (depending on whether you've opted to allow overdrafting or not). So if you don't keep a cash buffer in your account, "to protect yourself from over-limit fees, you may want to think about using a credit card" for recurring payments, says Breyault.
8. Future Travel
Book your travel with a check card, and "they debit it immediately," says Foley. So if you're buying travel that you won't use for six months or making a reservation for a few weeks from now, you'll be out the money immediately.
Another factor that bothers Foley: Hotels aren't immune to hackers and data breaches, and several name-brand establishments have suffered the problem recently. Do you want your debit card information "to sit in a system for four months, waiting for you to arrive?" she asks. "I would not." 9. Gas Stations and Hotels
This one depends on the individual business. Some gas stations and hotels will place holds to cover customers who may leave without settling the entire bill. That means that even though you only bought $10 in gas, you could have a temporary bank hold for $50 to $100, says Tiffany.
Ditto hotels, where there are sometimes holds or deposits in the hundreds to make sure you don't run up a long distance bill, empty the mini bar or trash the room. The practice is almost unnoticeable if you're using credit, but can be problematic if you're using a debit card and have just enough in the account to cover what you need.
At hotels, ask about deposits and holds before you present your card, says Feddis. At the pump, select the pin-number option, she says, which should debit only the amount you've actually spent.
10. Checkouts or ATMs That Look 'Off'
Criminals are getting better with skimmers and planting them in places you'd never suspect -- like ATM machines on bank property, says Foley.
So take a good look at the machine or card reader the next time you use an ATM or self-check lane, she advises. Does the machine fit together well or does something look off, different or like it doesn't quite belong? Says Foley, "Make sure it doesn't look like it's been tampered with."
No surprise then that for the past couple of years, one of my favorite blogs has been Gretchen Rubin?s The Happiness Project. Rubin is a former lawyer who abandoned her promising high-paying career to follow her bliss: She decided to become a writer. She started her blog as a part of a year-long experiment to find new ways to be happy. She?s now turned that experience into a best-selling book.
The Happiness Project (the book) was released in late December. I?d hoped to review it when it was published, but work on my own book got in the way. Last week, as I was happily soaking up the sun in the jungles of Belize, I finally found time to read Rubin?s book. It?s fantastic.
The Happiness Project I?ll admit that, on paper, The Happiness Project may seem sort of lame. Rubin decided to spend one year consciously pursuing happiness. Each month, she tackled one specific aspect of life ? marriage, work, attitude, and so on ? and during that month, she attempted to meet a handful of related resolutions she hoped would make her happier.
Her financial resolutions for July, for instance, were about money. Rubin is an ?under-buyer?; she?s frugal by nature. For this month, she wanted to indulge in a modest splurge, buy needful things, spend out (meaning to actually use the stuff she has), and give something up (Rubin stopped obsessing over office supplies).
Fortunately, the book isn?t lame. Rubin?s style is warm and engaging. Though The Happiness Project includes tons of info from research into happiness and well-being, this data isn?t presented in a dull, dry way; it?s neatly woven into Rubin?s account of her day-to-day progress toward happiness (or lack thereof). She shares the research in casual prose, not in academic jargon.
Among my favorite findings, I bookmarked these:
* ?The most effective way to judge whether a particular course of action will make you happy in the future is to ask people who are following that course of action right now if they?re happy and assume that you?ll feel the same way.?
* You can do anything you want, but you can?t do everything you want. This insight is remarkably similarly to the one I had a couple of years ago, when I realized that I can buy anything I want, but can?t buy everything I want.
* ?One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.?
* ?Best is good, better is best.? In other words, the perfect is the enemy of the good. When you spend too much time pursuing the best, you?re bound to be unhappy.
* ?Money doesn?t buy happiness the way good health doesn?t buy happiness. When money or health is a problem, you think of little else; when it?s not a problem, you don?t think much about it. Both money and health contribute to happiness mostly in the negative; the lack of them brings much more unhappiness than possessing them brings happiness.?
* I loved this tip from a reader of Rubin?s blog: ?[I] change my passwords to a goal that I?ve been working on, or an achievement I want. They become a constant reminder of my goals, my dreams, of what I want to achieve.?
The Happiness Project is filled with anecdotes: from Rubin?s life, from the comments on her blog, and from the people she meets. These stories add a lot of color to the topics she covers, and help to show how complex happiness can be. For example, from the chapter on money, here?s a story that made me laugh:
While I was thinking hard about the relationship between money and happiness, I struck up a conversation with a fellow guest at a bridal shower. I told her that I was trying to figure out ways to ?Buy some happiness.? (As I explained the issue, it began to dawn on me, dimly, that I might be becoming a happiness bore.)
She became quite indignant at my suggestion. ?That?s so wrong!? she said. ?Money can?t buy happiness!?
?You don?t think so??
?I?m the perfect example. I don?t make much money. A few years back, I took my savings and bought a horse. My mother and everyone told me I was crazy. But that horse makes me incredibly happy ? even though I end up spending all my extra money on him.?
?But,? I said, confused, ?money did make you happy. It makes you so happy to have a horse!?
?But I don?t have any money,? she answered. ?I spent it all.?
?Right, because you used it to buy a horse.?
She shook her head and gave up on me.
Rubin undertook her happiness project because she realized, ?I wasn?t as happy as I could be, and my life wasn?t going to change unless I made it change.? This realization is so important. Too many folks sit back, waiting things for to improve. That?s what I used to do with money. But it wasn?t until I actually too charge of my own life that I was able to defeat debt and build wealth. And it wasn?t until Rubin decided to be responsible for her own happiness that she was able to make the little changes that brough about increased well-being.
Making resolutions The section on ?finding fun? ? one of the subjects of chapter 5 (?May: Be Serious About Play?) ? literally moved me to tears. As I read about Rubin?s love of children?s literature, how she rediscovered her passion for scrapbooking, and her general quest to make room in her life for fun, I realize that?s something I?ve been missing. For the past few years, everything I?ve done has been very very Adult. I?ve reaped adult rewards for adult effort, but it hasn?t been a whole lot of fun. I need to make room in my life to enjoy myself just for the sake of pleasure. So, that?s one of my goals for the next few months: Find more fun.
But Rubin draws a distinction between goals and resolutions:
You hit a goal, but keep a resolution. ?Run a marathon? makes a good goal. It?s specific, easy to measure success, and once you?ve done it, you?ve done it. ?Sing in the morning? and ?Exercise better? are better cast as resolutions. You won?t wake up one day and find that you?ve achieved it. It?s something you have to resolve to do every day, forever.
As you know, I?m a fan of goals and, generally, I refuse to set resolutions. But I see Rubin?s point. As a result, I?ve decided to set some resolutions of my own. I?ll be tracking the following with Joe?s Goals:
* Eat real food (avoid processed food and excess sugar). * Be active (get regular exercise). * Avoid strong drinks (reduce intake of alcohol and caffeine). * Read for pleasure (make time to read comics and science fiction, etc). * Kiss Kris (be sweet and loving to my wife). * Write daily (focus on my calling). * Be tidy (I?m a slob by nature; this will be tough). * Purge Stuff (continue to reduce the Stuff in my life). * Be friendly (spend time with friends, and be amiable to people I meet). * Be true to myself (or, in other words, ?be J.D.? instead of trying to be who I think other folks want me to be).
Some of these will be easier than others. I write nearly every day because I cannot help myself; I?m drawn to it. Tidiness? Real food? Being true to myself? These things will be tougher, but I really think they?ll make me happy.
I?m tempted to say that The Happiness Project is one of the best books I?ve ever read, but I know that?s just me engaging in hyperbole. Instead, it?s probably better to say that this was the perfect book for me to read for where I am in life. It spoke to me. I can?t say for sure that it will speak to you, but I?m willing to bet that for many GRS readers, a personal happiness project could lead to increased wealth ? financial and otherwise.
